Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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