I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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