New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i believe in u and ur pee
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
