you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
