also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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