Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Randomize
