6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
