I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
4 words: hood of his car
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
