I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
