If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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