we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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