tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
