Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
