Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
