The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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