You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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