I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
