He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
