They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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