Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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