he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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