What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
