My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
