I think I won the penis lottery.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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