last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
