It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
