I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
