He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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