I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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