FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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