I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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