I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
