btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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