Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
