I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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