Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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