I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
