I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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