i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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