Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
