May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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