I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
