My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
