"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
