I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
