I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
