I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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