and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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