Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
