So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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