Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
