The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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