Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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