You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize