i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
