if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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