I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
