I think scott just propositioned me for sex
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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