Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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