i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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