he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
