I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
