you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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