Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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