Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
