i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
