Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
