I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
