So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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