if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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